Chapter Text
It’s Spring of the 2000s, and she is a junior at Brown University, in the Honors Course, to top it off, the easiest class is the one that’s giving her the most trouble.
It’s not the professor. Dr. Smith is knowledgeable and nice to Shauna, and always answers emails within the first 24 hours, but it is the class itself. She says writers always write about what they know, and other than the short stories she’ll evaluate through the course, she wants a self-reflective essay at the end of the semester about these future writers and what inspires their stories. She puts Stephen King as an example, whose main characters were writers or related to writing, and how his stories are always focused on Maine. Writing about what you know makes it finding an audience and relating to your protagonists easier.
“I can’t believe you’re struggling with the easiest grade of all time.” Maria tells her, her accent thick as she opens a Coca-Cola “You aren’t good with self-reflecting, are you?”
“I’ll kill you one of these days.” Shauna says, defeated “I’m not like you.”
“Yes, because being a nuyorican is a unique experience.” Maria rolls her eyes as Gabi and Cassie return from drama class. Cassie is drinking one of those horrible double chocolatey frappuccino sh*t that Shauna used to do before she quit (today) “Well, actually, it is.”
Yeah, because New York had never seen a butch Puerto Rican with a deep voice and short afro hair. Whatever.
“Shauna, did you throw a Starbucks drink at someone today ?” Gabi asks.
“Yeah, to a red-haired bitch.” She has never felt less bad for doing something “You know her?”
“Yeah, we have a couple classes together.”
In Shauna’s defense, it was her last day of work, and a bitch came in rush hour to order one of those disgusting and difficult custom drinks, and then she was mad they didn’t do it with oak milk instead of almond milk and demanded to get it redone or she’d speak with her manager, who didn’t give a f*ck and instead high fived Shauna.
“She doesn’t drink soda or eat meat either, she says it’s unhealthy.” Cassie says, sipping her drink “She does co*ke.”
Of course she does.
“Anyway, when I have to do scriptwriting.” Maria says “They emulate the culture I grew up with, and the friends I have, it’s always there when I revisit it. I even have the token white friend –”
“f*ck you,” Cassie says, giving Maria the chai tea she asked for.
“Anyway, I would say that you have to reread your sh*t, and figure it out.”
Shauna is the eldest daughter of a Jewish family with divorced parents, she has a younger brother (in theory she has three, but only her brother on her mom’s side counts as a brother) who grew up in Suburban New Jersey. Her childhood wasn’t anything crazy, her life wasn’t anything crazy until a plane crash almost ruined her life over something she didn’t even like. People want to hear stories about friendship and love conquering all, not about friendships being destroyed.
No one wants to hear that sh*t, Shauna herself doesn’t want to hear that sh*t, she began writing romantic horror by accident, but she is good at it and doesn’t hate it.
“You need to figure out who or what is your muse, Shauna.” Gabi says, pulling out a cigarette “That’s all, but you better do it before the semester ends.”
“Thanks, girls, where would I be without you?”
“A serial killer, most likely.” Maria answers, ignoring Shauna’s glare “Anyway, got something for us to adapt?”
“No, but there’s this story I have planned…”
It earns her first place, and she almost cries with happiness when her name is announced.
It’s a supernatural mystery about a werewolf and how they were always trying to change their nature – to live among humans. They always observed them and learned their customs and cultures, but it always ended in the same way. A full moon and blood on the werewolf’s hands. Someone who hated violence but was doomed to always end up in death until he got hunted or met a pack of werewolves to join, but despite how much he hated his nature, he did not want to die.
She still has to work on that essay, but her professor loves the story, she says it’s very insightful and how she gets into monsters’ point of view to make them more sympathetic – sometimes even more than the antagonistic human counterparts. She recommends Shauna to read a couple of essays to expand her horizons and come talk to her. Her honors thesis professor and her have settled on a topic, and it will include female psychology and gothic horror.
Her friends, however…
“I like it.” Cassie says, lying on Gabi’s bed “...You’re going to get mad about what I’m going to say.”
“What is it?”
“...Is this a closet allegory?”
“Not everything is about being gay, Cassandra.” Gabi interrupts, standing up for Shauna. They’ve grown close since Shauna and she became roommates “But it’s cool that Shauna can write stuff everyone can everyone can relate with.”
The truth is…
Well, she’s been talking to Taissa but…
“How did you all know?” She wonders “that you liked girls?”
Cassie explains that she thought she was a late bloomer by the way she didn’t pay attention to boys, but then she saw a girl on a tennis court back when she practiced which made her heart skip a bit. She was straight, much to her dismay. Maria has always known, and was a tomboy (her dad wanted a boy so he installed his hobbies onto her) and always played with the boys and Cassie. Gabi thinks it was Courtney Love who made her realize how beautiful girls are and once had a dream with her, Courtney, and Kurt being in a polycule.
“I’ll be whatever I am.” she tells them, she refuses to let anyone dictate any aspect of her life – sexuality less of all. She just needs to figure it out.
“You know we are here for you no matter what.
“Yeah, even if you are straight.”
Shauna rolls her eyes at the last comment.
Or rather, she already knows, but she has classes, and she doesn’t have time to think about that right now.
My muse is… she types in the computer with no use, deletes it, and tries again my inspiration is the darkness inside all of us and how it externalizes through horror.
It earned her an A, and she was honest, or at least tried to be.
But part of it doesn’t make sense, and it won’t make sense until the last week of the semester. She returns to Wiskayok for Spring Break, the small trophy in her hands, and her mother puts it in the living room next to Zeke’s medal that he got at the comic store, because he writes too but in a different medium.
“You should read Sandman.”
“Is that a comic?”
“Yeah, but it’s not superhero stuff.” Her brother says “It’s about Dream, like, the literal personification of Dream and how he got locked up for decades and how he interacts with humans. It’s written by Neil Gaiman.”
“Sounds interesting.”
She overhears her mother talking over the phone — and she doesn’t understand much except the words University of South California. And congratulations! And the knot on her stomach returns.
She doesn’t ask if it’s Jackie — it most likely is, and a few months ago if she had overheard the conversation, she would’ve put her ear on the other phone as silently as she could as long as she got something because she has not heard of Jackie in almost three years. Her mom told her she was going into a community college and that she works two jobs, so if she calls it must be a huge thing.
She probably would’ve felt happy for Shauna because she won, or maybe not, who knows. Shauna cannot deny that Jackie was her first fan the moment she wrote clumsy poetry for her in fourth grade. Jackie would probably be all smug and say I told you so! All you need is to let go of your shyness! She would spend days trying to convince Shauna to join High School contests despite how many times Shauna said no but ended up saying yes so she’d leave her alone. She won a couple of them, good enough to add to her application to Brown. They’d skip practice and go drink milkshakes together if she won, sometimes if she got second place too, and Jackie would tell her seriously that talentless hack that got first place got nothing on you and she meant it. Even if it probably wasn’t true, she believed it.
She still doesn’t know if she wants to talk to Jackie or leave things be, and certainly, if Jackie wants to talk to her, she can ask her mother about it. She’s never asked for Shauna, so it’s safe to say she is doing well in California, with Natalie and her new friends that she definitely has. Good for her. Shauna doesn’t know if she would want to call herself either.
Shauna is very smart academically, she’s always been, but admittedly she isn’t very good at understanding her feelings. Even now, other than trying to be a better person and not cuss off Cassie every time she tries her, her feelings go to the back burner. It’s not a priority right now, she’ll deal with it later.
Except later is a few weeks later, at the end of the semester
And her friendships dealt with at first, because they always do.
Granted – it is not as horrible as that fight they had last year. Gabi is the one that hits it straight in the target, or at least, as close as she can be in this situation.
“You drank too much and you and CassCass hooked up?”
“...Yeah.”
Okay, this is the thing.
Yes, Shauna isn’t good at understanding her feelings, and she’s even less good at letting others dictate her sexuality (especially when they are so insistent about it, she’ll be whatever she is, but being insistent about it will make her be straight out of spite) but she’s been figuring out that she swings both ways since a couple months ago. She’s known as the queer horror romance girl among her classmates, her friends all like women, and her closest friend is Taissa, who says gay people always flock to each other. She’s not that stupid. She’s just not in a hurry to make it a big deal, because she knows her mom will be okay with it.
Cassie has never tried to make a move on Shauna since the day she pretty much admitted she had a crush on her. She’s shut down every attempt at trying to talk it out. Yet no one could deny that Cassie is very beautiful, with blonde long hair blue eyes, and elegant fingers. She’s tipsy too, because she stares at Shauna for too long and she starts giggling. There is a silent understanding that it was just for fun and that they don’t have to. She tastes like spearmint gum, and one thing leads to another and they are making out in the lounge.
She’s been with several boys in college (yes, even when she was dating Jeff, he doesn’t know how to touch a girl to save his life. Yes, it’s awful that she cheated, but she already touched bottom of the barrel.) and it has been fine, but despite being aware that she likes girls too, she’s never been with one.
(“Oh!” The blonde girl says as Shauna puts her hands under her shirt, and then starts laughing “You’re a natural. Miss Straight.”)
“Then what happened?” Gabi says, crossing her arms “Did you f*ck her?”
“ Gabriela .”
“Did you!?” Gabi lets out a surprised laugh “Oh, Shauna, you got no idea how rare your first hookup is. Cassie is super exclusive. I know a bunch of girls that would’ve killed to be in your position. Hell, she’s my friend but if it ever came to it…”
“No, I didn’t f*ck my friend.” Shauna sighs, rubbing her forehead to try to reduce the stress. It is not a funny situation “…I almost did.”
“What!? And what happened?”
“…I f*cked it up.”
“…Did she change her mind? Did you?”
No, if anything they were pretty much down to it, Cassie knows how to take off Shauna’s bra with a quickness she has never seen before or after. Tells Shauna to calm down when she gets too hot before the real fun starts, and then she teases her with a comment and Shauna said shut up…
And Cassie froze and stopped doing whatever they were doing, kissed Shauna goodbye, and then slipped off her touch. Didn’t see her for the rest of the night, only a text that said sorry, I changed my mind , and a complete 180 in behavior . It’s worse than the cold shoulder treatment. It’s the awkward treatment.
“What did you say?”
“I mean, I don’t know. I was drunk!” She defends herself “But I went to look for her the day after, you know, to apologize if I offended her. She said there were no hard feelings, but that she didn’t like to be a replacement goldfish.”
“…Dios mío, Shauna.” Gabriela shakes her head “I’ll try to get the full picture for you, but it — is f*cking up with bad bitches your kink?”
“I’ll kill you one of these days.”
“Worry not, I’ll get her version.” She pats her on her shoulder “Jersey bitches stick together.”
The problem about f*cking up and not knowing how she f*cked up is that it feels a little lonely now, now they only hang together if it’s the four of them, which is fine. But before Cassie had no problem showing up to Shauna’s dorm unannounced (she was friends with Shauna’s roommate before she managed to move with Gabriela) or visiting her in her Starbucks job that she hated., Yes, they argued often, but she’s worse at dealing with indifference than with dislike or hatred. She’s not used to this awkward treatment, to waving goodbye for the summer instead of a hug and promises of coming to her house (Shauna’s mom wants to know about her friends) being a big maybe.
That summer starts with a text message.
Gabi:
Shauna, Cass is telling me u said another name while making out. though she doesn’t hate u or anything. don’t worry. She just needs space.
rebounds usually like to know if you are a rebound especially if ur friends
Ur a criminal for making this Princess upset, by the way. Second offense now :P
Also, who the f*ck is Jackie?
There is no way —-
No, Cassie must’ve heard wrong.
It’s the Summer of the 2000s, and she’s coming out to her family.
Shauna knows that the fact she isn’t slightly worried about how it will turn out is a privilege, not everyone has. She’s sitting at the table with her mother and her brother, and she tells them that she likes both men and women the way one would share her grades.
“As long as you feel comfortable and they are good to you, it’s okay, Shauna.” Her mother smiles “I know some people can be hateful and ignorant, but I know you are strong and smart, and you always will have your family to stand behind you if it ever comes to it.”
Shauna smiles, slightly embarrassed but also touched. She’s heard plenty of horror stories about these kinds of moments ending up in rejection or disinheritance. Her friends have told her some horror stories. Gabi is in the closet, her mom is Catholic and is slowly throwing hints. Maria is openly out, she’s a butch Puerto Rican that always wears a hat with their flag, and her family doesn’t care. Cassie has told her over a blunt that if her mother ever finds out (especially because she’s the only child she has left, the other one crumbled over the pressure and left and never answers Cassie’s calls when she tries to check on her) her life will be f*cking over, and she got Maria’s family, but she’d rather get an apartment for herself before she even rings that up.
She really should appreciate her family more, except.
“I mean, we already knew.” Her brother says, eating a chicken leg. He’s got the growth spurt, but he will always be an evil little freak to Shauna, especially in these moments “But it’s okay, we love you and whatever.”
“Ew.” Her brother telling her that he loves her is weird, their love language is messing with each other. Shauna hits him in the head and then asks him if he wants something later. Mind you she would kill for anyone that messes with him, but then, the first part of what he said clicks “What do you mean you already knew?”
Like — was it obvious? Is the flannel? The poetry? Did they not tell her so she wouldn’t feel bad?
“I mean…” Her brother says, ignoring her mom’s glare “I thought you liked Jackie.”
What.
— What?
“What?”
“Or at least, before the Jeff thing.”
“Zeke!” His mom scolds him, but it’s the typical scolding of We have discussed this before and never tell your sister Shauna knows this because her mom and she have these discussions about her brother all the time “Shauna, you can be with whoever you want as long as they are good to you.”
I thought you liked Jackie.
“…You think so as well, mom?” She asks her “You think that she and I…?”
“A small crush was possible honey, yes.”
“I…I don’t like Jackie that way.” She says, harsher than she intended to be “She was just a friend.”
“Okay, Shauna. That’s fine.” Her mother says, except that is everything but fine “So um, when can I read those stories of yours?”
Hopefully, never, she’s cool with strangers reading her stuff — her family? No, thank you.
She’s back to her room after dinner — Jackie’s green couch on it, boxes with her whole life spread across it. Shauna doesn’t come as often as to find it a problem, she just needs to rearrange it. Maybe she can ask Mom if Jackie wants it shipped out, she’s been meaning to but never brings herself to do it. She doesn’t know why.
She still has all their pictures down, she barely goes through Jackie’s stuff when she is at home — it feels weirdly invasive, but even in her absence, it feels like she learns something new every time. Or memories that were buried and come to the surface when everything is buried.
When Shauna was five, her mother got pregnant with her brother, and Jackie was the first person she told. She remembers being very nervous around it because it meant that being a big sister had responsibilities. Another girl said that when babies are born, they are the new favorite, and that scared five-year-old Shauna because she thought it meant her mother was going to stop loving her for the new baby.
“You’re my favorite.” Five-year-old Jackie said very seriously, hugging her tight “Always!”
“...Even with a baby?”
“Even with a baby!”
And then she told mom that she should always love Shauna and mom laughed and assured her there was enough space in her heart for two babies ‘and you, of course, sweet Jackie’, and Jackie was smiling big at the compliment. When Shauna thinks about it, she’s always in her memories even at the most mundane. Jackie happily eating cereal next to Shauna with a baby crying in the background while they watch cartoons on a small TV.
Always her favorite, Shauna wonders at that point she stopped feeling that way and started feeling like an accessory.
I thought you liked Jackie.
Well, of course, she liked Jackie — everyone did until they didn’t. Back in the woods. Jackie is beautiful. A little too much of herself, but never a total bitch like some of the cheerleaders that wanted to be her friend badly. Just the perfect amount of bitchness. Everyone wants to be like her, Shauna was not the exception. The perfect girl, with than less-than-perfect boyfriend.
Except…
She doesn’t have an answer to why Jeff, of all things to do to hurt Jackie or pretend to be Jackie. Shauna wore her lipstick and had her makeup done by her. She’d always say Shauna did too much with eyeshadow and that less is more, even though they learned how to do makeup together and they did it all the same. Yet, every time she looked at Jackie, she looked prettier and prettier, and Shauna wanted…
(“Ya remember the first crush you had on a girl? Maria said once over brunch “when you didn’t know if you wanted to be her or if you wanted to kiss her?”)
And well, Jackie wasn’t perfect, but she always said Shauna was pretty. We are the prettiest she’d giggle and kiss her on the cheek while tipsy and never let go of her arm as if they were a person in two different bodies. Never a party that Jackie went to that Shauna didn’t go to either, even if those parties ended up with them hiding somewhere and sharing a cigar until they were sober enough to drive home. Jackie, who always chewed spearmint gum, to the point that Shauna only liked kissing Jeff when he had that specific gum. Which is the same type that Cassie chewed, and when she tasted her lips for the first time…
Well, she thought of
Oh.
(‘ Shut up, Jackie.’)
I thought you liked Jackie.
Shauna grabs one of the old items at the bottom of the box. An old teddy bear. In first grade at Valentine’s Day. Shauna gave Jackie a teddy bear and Jackie got her a chocolate box. Other kids gave presents to each other as well. Jackie even gave one to Misty that day - Shauna doesn't remember what it was, but Misty was happy. In recess, Shauna asked her what was her favorite gift, and Jackie had told her it had been hers and Shauna jumped with happiness at those words.
The teddy bear is old, but it was decently treated. Other than perhaps some missing stuffing (from that time they played doctors with it and Shauna opened it. He had been their patient and he had died but returned as a zombie teddy bear. They had a wild imagination as children) you could tell Jackie cared for it. It doesn’t have as much dust as it could’ve had, which means that maybe before leaving, Jackie took care of it from time to time.
Before the Jeff thing.
When she was with Jeff, it wasn’t about him at all — she didn’t miss him at all. It was about Jackie. About stealing something from her. A f*cked up power play that ended with regret and a friendship destroyed. She didn’t want or even like Jeff.
What she wanted was…
Oh .
I thought you liked Jackie.
f*ck.
f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck.
Being bisexual – that was one thing.
Being in love with Jackie?
f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck.
She calls Taissa and asks her if she’s in town. She is. Shauna says she will see her tomorrow, it’s an emergency.
I thought you liked Jackie.
Her brother is in the living room, playing video games and eating chips, completely oblivious to what his stupid comment has done to her psyche. Now she has to go through life knowing that she did all of what she did, not because she hated or was annoyed by Jackie, but because she liked her and couldn’t understand it.
f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.
Shauna goes to the kitchen, fills a glass of water, and drops it on him.
“What the f*ck is your problem!?”
“You deserve it, you evil little freak!”
“You’re so f*cking crazy, Shauna! Oh my God!”
Taissa and her meet at a Diner.
It is not the same Diner she and Jackie used to go. Shauna tries to not go to those places if she can avoid it, but one of Tai’s choosing. She walks with the confidence of someone who knows will take over the world one day, orders a milkshake, and wants to go straight to the point.
“You said it was an emergency.”
“Emotional emergency.”
“What’s up?”
“You remember…what we spoke about a few months ago?”
Right.
Because she loves her college friends, she does, and that’s why she is so mortified about f*cking up again, and yes, they eased her into the queer scene. Yet it was Tai the first person she had to fully talk about before she could be sure she liked both. Perhaps it’s because out of everyone in the world, Taissa understands her, and doesn’t judge her, no matter how much she f*cks up. As much as her friends like her, she’s sure they’ll think she’s f*cked if she slept with her best friend’s boyfriend. Taissa won’t.
Well, that’s because Taissa f*cks up just as much, she’s just better at damage control.
“Yeah, about you being bisexual.” Taissa nods “What’s up?”
“…It’s about Jackie.”
“Oh.” Taissa seems surprised at the name “Did she finally reach out?”
Somehow, the realization that she loved her makes her silence hurt more.
Three years without contact.
“No.” Shauna shakes her head, and Taissa sighs as she orders a milkshake for Shauna in sympathy “…I have realized that I might have f*cked things up because I had a crush on her but I didn’t understand it, and now it’s too late.”
The silence is only broken by.
“Wow, you really are gay, Shauna.”
And then they both laugh.
It’s a therapeutic laugh, almost. It’s been a couple of tough days for her, and she hasn’t told Taissa yet about how she essentially was about to f*ck Cassie while her subconscious was thinking of Jackie. She hadn’t finished saying her name when Taissa pointed out her names were similar and then they were laughing again. Laugh to not cry.
“I can’t say I’m any better, when Van and I broke up, I went through like three butch redheads at Howard, and I was the one that decided it wasn’t working.”
“But that’s different, you were dating.” She smiles sadly “Jackie is straight.”
“I mean, you were something. You were friends.”
“And I f*cked it up.” Shauna reminds her.
“I mean, sure, maybe you shouldn't have slept with her boyfriend or whatsoever, but Jackie isn’t an angel. She tried to make a scene of something private.” Taissa tells her “Of course, it shouldn’t have ended that way and I’m not proud of how that night ended but — she could have come inside. You know?”
“Yeah.”
“And she’s the one that chose to leave without telling you, or without fixing anything. She’s on her right, but you don’t have to chase after her. If she doesn’t want to talk to you or have any contact, you just leave it alone.”
Right, Shauna doesn’t get why Jackie didn’t get back inside, it’s not like she was going to know it was going to snow. Always the one that needed to have the last word — and Shauna supposed she got it. She probably has a boyfriend right now, she hopes it’s a nice one. Someone from the Bay Area. Someone who doesn’t force her to do things that she doesn’t want to. Someone who doesn’t cheat on her with her best friend. Jackie is straight, she likes boys, always a little boy crazy for blonde jock men, but now that she knows what she knows about herself, the idea of her having a boyfriend makes Shauna’s stomach wants to explode. Especially today. This is the last time they spoke, on the first day of the summer.
“Perhaps I’m not made for love, Tai.” She tells her “If — if I liked her, and I completely destroyed what we had…and I’m doing it again with Cassie, then perhaps there is something wrong with me.” She sniffles “I wasn’t always like this — and I thought it would change w-when Jackie was gone, but s-she’s been gone for three years now, and I still f*ck things up.”
“Hey. Hey. Hey. Come here.” Shauna doesn’t shy away from Taissa’s touch “You’re saying sh*t Jacke wouldn’t even agree with, she didn’t even want to say sh*t about you. Give your friend some space, at least she didn’t flip you off.”
“She liked me, Taissa.”
“Well, do you like her, or do you like the idea of having a version of Jackie you can f*ck? Because as a rebound expert, I can tell you, it doesn’t work long term.”
“Then what do I do?”
“You get over it, Shauna.” Taissa sighs “You’re not the first girl who has a crush on her straight best friend.”
Right. It's not worth imagining things that would never happen.
She ends up apologizing to Cassie on Gabi’s birthday, a sunny July in New York before the semester starts. It seems like Shauna only goes to New York to apologize. Gabi said that her birthday had to be in New York because there’s no sh*t to do in Jersey, but she probably did it so Maria and Cassie couldn’t say no.
They talk privately (after a lot of convincing) and they talk things out, she doesn’t seem to be as bothered as she was a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps because she got a girlfriend now that Shauna isn’t certain if she likes, but Cassie hugs her as a sight of forgiveness.
“I f*ck with you Shauna, I love adapting your queer horror sh*t.” Maria tells her, half hugging her “But you keep making my best friend upset, and they’ll find your body in the Hudson.”
“I’d kill anyone you send after me.” Shauna rolls her eyes “But understood. I wouldn’t like anyone hurting my…” I wouldn’t like anyone hurting my best friend either “Can I ask you a question?”
“It depends.”
“It’s gonna be awkward, but have you ever had a crush on each other? I mean, being that close and all?”
“No way!” Maria tells her, almost horrified “Cass is family to me. Yes. We’ve pretended to date to knock annoying people off, but there’s no romantic feelings.”
“I see,” Shauna mutters, sipping her soda.
And they are going to a gay bar because of course they are. Shauna is all but out now. The natives from New York must come here all the time because the bouncer greets Cassie and Maria as the twins are back in town. Gabi orders a hookah and she laughs as she tells Shauna that holding it in doesn’t do anything. They sit in the Longue, drink in their hands, and they meet Cassie’s girlfriend because she sits in her lap and is greeted with a kiss. She mustn’t be from Brown, because Shauna hasn’t seen her (Maria doesn’t seem to like this new girlfriend much, she was always bitching about Cassie's taste in women to Shauna – which in hindsight is kind of funny). They toast on Gabi’s birthday, but it doesn’t take much for the conversation to switch back to Shauna. Because she never answered that message.
“Anyway.” Cassie says, ordering another beer “Who’s Jackie?”
Who is Jackie indeed?
She could say she’s my best friend , but that hasn’t quite been the truth since the crash. Or even before. It feels Taissa better these days, Jackie was more than a best friend and a possible crush. She was a psychological Siamese twin. Someone who Shauna resented for their codependency, but at the end of the day. She is the one who cannot let go of her.
And even then, she would call herself Jackie’s best friend, the best friend who betrayed her over and over. The best friend that almost let her die. She couldn’t even hold her hand as she woke up, and Jackie hadn’t even looked hurt she just sighed and pulled her hand back into her jacket.
She doesn’t think Jackie would’ve minded Shauna having a crush on her. She probably would’ve let her down gently. Jackie is many things, but hom*ophobic wasn’t one of them. She would’ve been okay with remaining as best friends, but Shauna couldn’t. She had to take the whole arm, and if she couldn’t then…
Then sh*t like this happens.
“She’s probably the most important person in my life.” She ends up saying “I've known her since we were five.
“Oh, is it like that?”
“…Yeah.
“Ooh.” Gabriela says, sympathetic “You two should be thanking God it wasn’t like that with you two.”
“How was she?” Cassie’s girlfriend asks her “Your friend?”
“She was…she could be a real bitch.” She snorts “Controlling and hated to do something if she wasn’t good at it the first time. I had to always convince her, but…” Shauna is silent before resuming “She knew I was horrible at lying, but always believed me because she thought there was no reason for me to lie to her. She always had an interest in my family’s holiday traditions. She…even when I didn’t deserve it, even when I deserved her hate, she always swallowed it and was there for me, and…and if you place your trust in her, she will try to make you proud.”
A bitter laugh escapes her, her friends look at her with concern. She isn’t drunk enough to get into a physical fight like she did ages ago with Taissa, but she’s drunk enough to rant about someone who isn’t here.
“I couldn’t be her, or be with her because she’s straight. So I f*cked Jeff — yeah, that Jeff. He’s her ex-boyfriend. She found out, and we fought.” And then there’s silence again “She f*cked a guy in my bed to get back to me, she found out I got pregnant and exposed it to the others while we were over there. N-not in that order.”
“God, Shauna.” Gabi whistles “I’ve never heard such a f*cked up story.”
There’s a silence that is only covered by electronic music, Shauna is shaking as she lights up a cigarette. She feels something warm in her cheeks, it must be tears.
“I…I used to think I wanted her gone.” Shauna sniffles “That I needed some space, and perhaps I did, but she should’ve always been a phone call away. I…I don’t know how to reach out, because when we fought she was always the one that encouraged us to talk things out. I don’t think I should, because I would f*ck up again…but I…but I f*cking miss her!”
She starts crying so hard they have to bring her water.
It was not her proudest moment, they had to escort her out of the club because she was crying nonstop. It was probably the alcohol, but she slept at Maria’s place that night, sharing the couch with Gabi. She’s too upset to even call home, and it’s her friends who let her mom know that she’s safe with them. As embarrassing as it sounds, she is thankful that they didn’t leave her alone despite her confessions about f*cking up with Jeff and that she slept with her friend hugging her. The next morning, as hungover and embarrassed as she was, Maria said well, that was f*cked up, but you didn’t f*ck my boyfriend. So we don’t care that much. It’s still f*cked up, though and they don’t touch the topic ever again.
However, that doesn’t mean that her friends stop being interested in Jackie.
Because it’s the Fall of 2000, and Maria has personally invited Shauna to her dorm to talk. Cassie and Gabi sitting next to her, and they look like they are having an intervention. Towards her?
“Shauna.” Maria starts “We need to talk, sis.”
“What did I do?”
“I thought it was bullsh*t…I thought Cassie was over-reading things. But then she told me to reread your stories, and admittedly, as your peer, you’ve improved greatly…”
“Um, thanks?”
“But we’ve noticed a pattern in your writing, like…a formula. A trope.”
“…All writers use tropes, Mar.” She says, perhaps more defensive than intended.
“Correct.” Cassie concedes “But not necessarily in the same way you do, you write the story over and over again with the same protagonist. Different names and everything, but it’s often a kind girl, and an antagonist, and the girl always feels tempted by the darkness and always accepts it in the end. Or, something intertwined with sexuality and the supernatural, sometimes both.”
Shauna is starting to get annoyed, she hates these games. She has a feeling this is not about her writing “What are you saying?”
Maria sighs “ Gabi, dile a esta pendeja… ”
Shauna doesn’t know Spanish, but she has been around to know that was an insult.
“Shauna, all the short stories and poems you’ve written — from the first one we adapted to the ones you’ve submitted recently.” Gabi says looking in the eye “It’s about you, and that Jackie girl.”
What.
What.
“No!”
“If this was about an author and a media literacy class, you would’ve clocked it immediately.”
No.
It’s not like that.
Yes, all the girls are kind and loving girls who are loved by the town. Like in her first story, the girl wore the skin of dead her best friend and became one with her. In another one, the character becomes a monster for her loved one. It’s always easier to write about those kind and loving girls, they are tragic and easily mournable.
Tragic, insecure , and weak!
And in contrast, when there is a co-protagonist, often tempted by the supernatural. Prone to do bad things and regret it almost immediately. Girls who are one with the darkness yet seek acceptance from their loved one, and never fully obtain it because it ends in tragedy. These are the kind of characters that characters the professor said she puts into trauma p*rn (okay, he didn’t say that but who cares) whose protagonist has traits that begrudgingly fit Shauna better.
No.
No f*cking way.
“Oh.” It’s all she can say.
Maria facepalms “How can someone so smart be so stupid?”
“f*ck you!”
“I think it’s cute.” Cassie says, sounding a little jealous “I love my girlfriend, but if someone wrote poems and stories about me, I wouldn’t shut up.”
“No, it’s not f*cking cute!” Shauna snaps, is her life ever going to not be about Jackie Taylor? “And it’s different because she is not my girlfriend! We aren’t even talking!”
“Even better then, you don’t gotta explain it to her.”
“So, that’s why I got called up here as if it was an emergency?” She asks, hand on her hip “To be called a lovesick loser?”
“I think it’s awesome how we say one thing and you said something completely different from what was intended. Truly a fiction writer.”
“f*ck you guys.” Shauna is already leaving, she has classes anyway “I’ll see you guys when you stop trying to psychoanalyze everything I do.”
Her friends got the wrong idea, but she refuses to reread her stuff for days. She has essays and stories to work on, so even when she has calmed down, she turns down their attempts when they invite her to The Stable. It was a mistake, to tell them about Jackie. Because at least her friends from High School are smart enough to know to not mention her (unless you are Mari) . Her family at least has the decency that if Jackie is to be discussed, she to be when she is out of reach.
But her college friends do not have the same courtesy, for them she’s just Shauna’s bitchy friend that still didn’t deserve to get cheated on (thanks), so every time she turns down their escapades. She gets a comment like that won’t make you get over that Jackie girl.
And f*cking a big-eyed girl with dirty blond hair is going to make her more miserable.
So she throws herself into writing, but that doesn’t work either, because she cannot do a first draft without thinking am I writing about Jackie? About us? And there’s a young talent book the Department wants to talk about publishing by next year. Both poetry and stories. led by the same professor who wanted them to get in touch with her inspiration, and Shauna has been invited. It’s a make-it-or-break-it opportunity.
So she decides to write something as removed from her as possible. Originally a sci-fi story instead, except she’s never been a fan of sci-fi, so she spends hours talking to her brother over the phone trying to brainstorm without getting into his world-building freak ways. They decide to switch it to fantasy ( ‘Star Wars isn’t sci-fi, it’s fantasy in space.’ Her brother says, pedantically. She wishes Javi was her brother and not this jerk. All love though) and it is…it is a little cliche. The bad thing about these genres is that it’s hard to come up with something new due to the genre always building into itself, but whatever. She thinks it’s decent, and she likes that element of dark horror that is her mark regardless of what she writes.
However
“This is way under your true potential, Shauna.”
One of the hardest parts about her career is criticism — her tutor, her professors, her peers. She has to remind herself it isn’t personal and they do not know her and that at least with this lady, she just wants to fulfill her student’s true talent. She’s always praised Shauna here and there, even when the stories get gruesome and violent, her harshness feels like a dagger.
Especially because Gabi took a quick read and said it’s aight which means it is mediocre and I just don’t say it because we are friends.
Shauna knows this too.
“I don’t like being harsh, you know this, but this is…unoriginal, very unlike you. You have a clear style, and it seems like you are rejecting it on purpose.”
“I thought that the whole point of writing was to step out of the comfort zone.” She replies weakly.
“Deconstructing, reconstructing, all these are key in any kind of storytelling. If you wanted to deconstruct a story of yours, then you have to tell it, and then twist it to what you want to discuss. This story doesn’t say Shauna to me. This is why I wanted you to be in peace with your inspirations, to know yourself, so you can be what we know you can be.”
My inspiration is the darkness inside all of us and how it externalizes through horror. My muse is the girl I love whom I will never see again and I chose my lies over her. That’s why I wrote that story about a parasite eating the character from the inside once.
“What if my…my inspiration…is something I want to get over? What if instead of a feeling is — a person?”
“See what happens when you lie for a grade?” The professor teases her.
“I didn’t lie.” She defends herself “I just…I didn’t say the whole truth.”
“Well, all writers are liars, and the essay was beautifully written.” Her professor dismisses “Never be embarrassed by your muse, Shauna. There is no art without it. I shouldn’t do this, but I’m going to give you an extension. If you can write something better, I will accept it. It doesn’t have to be a short story, it can be an essay or a poem.”
Fortunately, she was planning to submit her story early, so she had plenty of time to come and think of it. When she comes back to her dorm, Gabi is getting lit while playing a rock band ( Linkin Park, they are really good — not my thing, but this website I follow said to give the album a chance) and instead of writing, Shauna decides that she wants a little bit of that too.
Her mom wouldn’t like her smoking — especially weed, but her best and most f*cked up ideas have come from brainstorming in silence with a blunt. Her mother didn’t like it when Jackie smoked. Got the scolding of a lifetime when she caught her at 15 and she never did it again in front of her.
Then, it hits her what her professor said.
Do not be ashamed of your muse, Shauna.
Her muse.
That’s what Jackie is.
The Gala to Shauna’s Dali. Beatrice to her Dante. The Zelda to her Fitzgerald. The Fanny to her Keats. Shauna doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not.
There’s only one way to put an end to this, and it’s not by hooking up with any woman she can find. though she will do that too, but first she is going to do this.
“I’m gonna go to my house this weekend.” She tells Gabi “You going back too?”
“Nah. I’ll see you when you get back.”
She goes back home and rereads her journals several times, even those before the crash. She contrasts it with the memories Jackie left behind that are trapped in boxes and boxes of information. She takes notes like crazy, and she almost considers taking some with her back to the dorms, but instead takes pictures of it. Gabi is her closest friend, and she wouldn’t pry if Shauna didn’t give her permission, but the thought of someone who isn’t her touching Jackie’s stuff makes her upset.
This is the final story about them.
She’s going to say bye to her muse.
The story is nothing special. It’s very honest and to the point, the title was a chronicle of a dead friendship.
Like yes, one of the characters is a ghost — but not the kind of evil ghost or anything. It’s more of a metaphor for a dead relationship, a dying friendship, and they are just walking around town talking to each other. Asking each other questions about when the other thinks everything started falling apart. The other person always responds. There is no hate within them, only nostalgia for something that used to be there but not anymore. Something important. Something they couldn’t live without but they had to.
I want to know what the ghost says, as they disappear — a symbol that they are moving on, both of them are if you ever loved me?
I did, I did the human answers, as the ghost hand turns into nothingness I do
Her professor smiles as she gets the final draft.
“This is what I am talking about.”
They go to Mirabar end of the semester, Shauna hooks up with a girl red-haired girl that never sees again, but has an easy laugh and doesn’t mind that Shauna takes initiative. Accidentally the kissing gets too intense when she bites her lip it draws a little blood, and she gets embarrassed because she forgets that she has to hold herself back from normal people. But the redhead girl laughs and says you’re a wild one, aren’t you? and continues making out with her. It’s one of those times where she doesn’t get embarrassed. With Jeff, she had to calm herself several times because he got scared, and so did a couple of boys she cheated on with.
“They can’t handle all that.” Her friends said over drinks with a laugh.
Gabi comes to Wiskayok one day because her mother is sort of offended that there have been three years and she hasn’t met her college friends and Gabi spends the entire day playing videogames with her brother, which is sort of annoying, Zeke never lets her play when he had the console but he plays with her friend he met 5 minutes ago. Her mother thanks her for taking care of Shauna in Rhode Island, and Shauna wants Earth to swallow her in embarrassment when Gabriela says no worries! We are ride or die for her even when she acts a little crazy.
I mean, it’s true, but she shouldn’t say it.
Hanukkah is spent with family, as usual, only three seats instead of four. On the first day, Zeke gives her a portrait of her that is drawn by him, and before she can be touched by it. He gives her the very exact drawing but most of her body is colored in red.
“The color red is the level of insanity in you.” He tells her, and even though she is technically an adult, that doesn’t stop her from chasing him across the garden. Overall, this year has been a lot better than the previous ones, feels like she has grown.
Then she goes to her room and sees that old green couch. She is probably used to holidays with Natalie now.
Goodbye, Jackie. I hope you are doing well.
Spring of 2001 is her busiest year.
Senior year of University she got her honors thesis about Fiction and Psychology, the few classes that she has left, the poetry club has made her the leader which means she has to plan events (which is more difficult than it sounds) and she has almost no time for social life.
“You’re so boring.” Cassie tells her, the librarian tells them to keep silent with a look “Uni is about connections, Shaun.”
“I don’t think going to gay bars every weekend is about making professional networking.”
“Ah, if you went, you’d know that the son of a senator goes there often.” She teases “He and his girlfriend are each other’s beards.”
“I’m busy, Cass.”
“What do you plan to do after college? Straight to masters?”
If she gets the funds, she will, if she doesn’t “I was planning to do a gap year, I barely got experience outside the classroom.” She closes her notebook and faces her friend “You?”
“Gonna try some extra job perhaps near Broadway, cleaning tables and that, or at least till I get some work even if backstage. I’m here because…I could recommend you if you want a co-sign for an internship at a publisher.”
Shauna almost spits her drink.
“What!? Sorry!” She says to the librarian, and then goes back to whisper “Your mom…?”
“Oh, Shauna. Trust me, I would never put you under my mother’s eye. No, she works at Harper Collins, but I know a lot of contacts for being her daughter. Just…you know, keep that in mind.”
The truth is that it would be amazing, but it would feel terrible if her friend is forcing herself to talk to her mom she f*cking hates just to get Shauna into a harsh industry. No, she wants to see if she can do it for herself. She doesn’t entirely close that door though.
She’s so busy she can barely do anything that is not essays, sometimes she stares at her computer and can’t help but smash her head in. With University life close to ending, despite loving it, and she will certainly miss her classmates and her friends, she wonders what will be the next step in life. A gap year is cool on paper, and if she wasn’t frightened by planes, she would’ve loved to do it in Europe like she originally planned to.
Her brother is in his junior year of High School, and wants to go to CalArts, which in itself speaks highly of his ambitions – that he wants to go to California, a State that she’s grown to dislike despite never having gone there (and even when she has made peace with everything) but also it shows that she has kind of outgrew her hometown. Yet her mom lives there, she cannot abandon her. She needs a good job so her mom can enjoy retirement but writer and artist aren’t exactly millionaire-type jobs. Perhaps she’s thinking too far, but she has to.
Living in New York sounds nice – even though she’s gone enough times to stop romanticizing it.
There’s interest in a couple of local shops to get interested in her manuscripts, so once she is done with graduation she will write a novel. Her professor from fall said she is definitely interested in helping her if she needs to. As embarrassing as it gets, she helped her figure herself out with the whole inspirational conversation.
Chronicle of a Dead Friendship gets into a short film – someone asked her first, but Shauna would only trust something so personal to a close friend, so when Maria asks if she can adapt her stuff for a second time, Shauna gives her free reign. Even if the story is deeply personal, she is too busy to bother with interferences, and the adaptation isn’t one-to-one. She doesn’t need to worry, anyway, because when she finally gets the final product around at the end of May is like every word Shauna wrote came to life, with no changes whatsoever.
She thought people wanted stories of love and eternal friendship – but perhaps emotions such as dying friendships and betrayal and darkness are things people want to explore too. It’s just it’s often men who are at the crux of it, never women, despite women being capable of these very exact emotions and perhaps more. It’s not like she will change the world, but hopefully, she is making a difference.
“You’re more mature now, love.” Her mother smiles at her.
“I don’t feel like it.”
“You are, trust me.”
She graduates with Honors Rol and a summa cum laude mention, she posts enough pictures with her friends and her family to fill an entire album page and her mom is enchanted by her friends. Her brother wears a suit and tie, which is different from his stupid superhero shirts and shorts, he looks acceptable even if he’s the farthest thing from it. Even when her dad shows up, he has the decency to not act all emotional about it, but he does get her a brand new car as a graduation gift. It doesn’t erase twenty-one years of disappointment, but she’s not stupid, she’ll take it.
Everything seems to be working out, for a change, even the small hole in her heart doesn’t bother her as much as it does.
However, around the end of May, just after graduation, emotions that she thought she was over with show up.
“I need to talk to you.” Taissa tells her over the phone “You in town?”
“Yeah.” She’s at home for now, looking at a Princeton pamphlet “What’s up?”
“I got news from California.” And then she must have thought about her delivery because she added “It’s nothing bad.”
Oh, okay, thank God.
However, her relief very easily turned into anger.
“She’s living with who and who !?”
“Lived. Past tense.” Taissa tells her, Newport in mouth “Did you miss the part where I said she plays for UCLA?”
“I didn’t miss the part where you almost broke her leg!” Shauna exclaims “What the f*ck, Taissa?”
“I don’t go through life wanting to break people’s legs, Shauna. It’s a contact sport. I don’t need you to get on my ass about it, the captain was ready to get into a fight for her.”
Shauna knew that Jackie and Natalie were living together in California – her mother sent them cards and homemade gelt every holiday, at first it made her stomach churn, and Natalie of all people was the only person who knew what Jackie was doing. She hasn’t seen Natalie since that failed bachelorette party, the last news she heard is that she completed High School. It seems like she is ready to enroll in the University of South California after doing 2 years of community college. So that’s what Mom was so surprised and happy about. She thought that was Jackie, but it seems she went to UCLA instead.
She took up football again – it hadn’t been terrible, in hindsight, to hear her talk about it so much that it made Shauna’s head spin sometimes. She had several albums of the World Cups almost filled and she even knew who won the first World Cup in 1920. It had been something she enjoyed and something Shauna didn’t care for, but it made Jackie happy, that had been what mattered.
Shauna doesn’t deserve it, but she feels sort of proud of Jackie.
“But – how did she pay tuition?”
“I didn’t ask, probably sporting merits. She plays midfield now.”
And she lives with Nat and Van now. Lived. Whatever.
It’s nothing against Van – Van is cool and nice, and it was not cool of Jackie to abandon her to her luck on that plane, though now that years have passed, Shauna understands that it was a hard decision and Jackie chose to save her life, but…
“And are Jackie and Van…cool? With each other?”
“Dude, after the game – I was hotheaded and angry because she left to celebrate and refused to speak to me. I was so mad, I said to Van ‘ Who the f*ck she thinks she is’ and Van told me to watch my tone. I thought it was because Nat was acting as a Knight in Golden Armour, but she didn’t like how I spoke to Jackie either.”
“So. They are friends now. Jackie and Van.”
“Yeah.”
She feels her stomach churn again – but she needs to know more, Taissa is bitchy enough to withhold the information if Shauna pisses her off.
“...Did she ask about me?”
“Well, when I tried to talk to her at first after the game she said f*ck me, and told me to tell you to get f*cked as well.”
“— Why!? I didn’t do anything!”
“Well, that’s highly debatable.”
“f*ck you.”
It’s not like Shauna would’ve sent Taissa to injure Jackie, or whatever, if she is back on the football field, then good for her. Midfield fits her better, and there’s a lot of good team chemistry, like with the Yellowjackets. Shauna is pursuing things she likes, and Jackie should be allowed to as well.
But Jackie was jealous of her newfound friendship with Taissa since the woods – everyone knew that, and of course, because she was friends with Shauna, Jackie didn’t want to talk to her. It’s immature as f*ck. It seems she hasn’t changed much, which is both disappointing and irritating as Shauna is trying her best to change.
“Let me finish!” Taissa tells her “But it was after a game where I lost and she got injured in a complete accident, and we were both hotheaded, we talked sh*t out the day after.”
“Then why did you tell me that she said to get f*cked?”
“Well, she didn’t take it back, and you pissed me off with your tone.”
“Whatever, what did you girls talk about?”
“A little bit of everything.” Taissa shrugs, taking a dip in her fries “About the Allie thing, the woods, leaving New Jersey…it was very tense, but she said there were no hard feelings.”
“I see.” Shauna says, a little more calm now “…How is she?”
“Different.” Taissa answers “But also the same, more mature. She is not…what I expected, in a good way.
Jackie goes to UCLA now, on sporting merits apparently. She is the same and different at the same time and is friends with Van and Natalie. Good for her, all good news is welcomed.
“Did she…okay, other than saying I can get f*cked…did she ask about me?”
“…Sorry Shauna, but you weren’t part of the conversation. It was just about…us, as individuals.”
Okay, that makes sense.
It still hurts.
It’s Summer of 2001, and Jackie Taylor is pissing her off.
Five years of silence — silence that she is entitled to hold. It had been the hardest pill to swallow for Shauna. That Jackie didn’t owe her conversation. Let alone reconciliation. Shauna knows that all she can do is respect it like her mom always says. She has accepted it, mostly.
Except…
“I’m going to California,” Taissa tells her, hanging out in her room. Sitting on the green couch. She’s now a common visitor of her home, her mom was surprised at first, but she loves all of Shauna’s friends and considers her a good influence on Shauna (this Shauna isn’t too sure about, but whatever). Even her brother seems to be a little intimidated by Tai, and his annoying comments are scarce when she’s around “Nat is planning to take Van to Disney, got cheap ass tickets. asked me if I wanted to go. It’s a surprise for her.”
Shauna isn’t even sure what Van and Taissa are at this point — they broke up, but seem to still have something going on. Shauna has a summer fling that will end by fall, and as Taissa is her closest friend, she doesn’t have time to think about her love life because she thinks she’s moving back to Rhode Island for a while with Gabriela in the Fall. There’s an internship over there, and the person who offered them a lease is someone Gabi knows.
“Cool.” She answers “Is she gonna be there?”
“I promise you Jackie doesn’t make a spot in the calendar to see me, Shauna.”
Here is what annoys her.
Yes, Jackie is within her right to reconcile or forgive anyone she wants. That much doesn’t need to be said. Shauna understands, cool.
However, it can’t help but sting that she has been making up with everybody but Shauna to be an act of pettiness in ways that Jackie Taylor can only be.
Fine, she can and should reconcile with Van, good for her. She can live with Natalie, they might be good influences for each other. She can reconcile with Taissa, whatever, it’s not like they hated each other before the crash. They might not have been friends, but Jackie had a high opinion of her, she chose her as sub-captain after all (over her best friend, mind you)
What is next? Misty? Travis? Is she going to make peace with everybody that is not Shauna? That’s how it’s going to be. That angry feeling in her stomach is back, and now she’s annoyed at Taissa.
“Cool. Have fun.”
“If Natalie goes, Jackie will go so she won’t have to third wheel. I’m assuming she’ll go because Nat got four tickets. Even if she doesn’t, I’m staying at their apartment and she might drop by, which means we’ll meet at some point and we will talk like normal people.”
“Rubbing it on my face, huh?”
“Yes, because you’re being an asshole.”
“So now you’re on team Jackie, am I assuming?”
“Oh my f*cking God! You’re both the same, I had this conversation with Jackie. I’m not repeating it. I’m your friend, Shauna, but it’s not one or the other and you both should stop acting like it is.”
“Tell Van I say hi.” She decides to finish the conversation, except Taissa won’t let her.
“I felt bad, about what almost happened to her.” She tells her “I’m not proud of what I did that night, I know you aren’t either. I didn’t…I didn’t want her to think I went for her leg because I wanted to hurt her. I don’t think we’ll ever be best friends, and I am not looking for it, but if she’s friends with my friends, then I have to work towards civility.”
“Okay.”
And the fact that’s all Shauna has to say will piss Taissa off, but whatever. She isn’t in the mood.
Well, since Taissa, Van, Nat, and Jackie are having fun together in California, Shauna can do that too with her friends. Except she can’t. Maria and Cassie are in Puerto Rico (they invited her, but Shauna can’t be near planes) in that same week and Gabi is in Punta Cana with her family (also invited Shauna, but cannot go for the reasons above).
Of course, they can hang out next weekend, when they are back from their summer trips, but she needs them now.
So, she’s just brooding at home while Taissa is at Disneyland with Jackie. She manages to convince her brother to go to New York with her if only to see the MoMA, go to Midtown Comics, and get out of New Jersey and they actually have a good time. It would’ve been a great time if she didn’t know those four were hanging out together .And
Her friends returned a week after, apparently the trip to Puerto Rico was something improvised because Cassie’s girlfriend cheated on her and broke up with her over text. What a bitch. She’s been staying at her house brooding ever since her return and they decide that will do more harm than good. When they text Shauna if she wants to go to the club, she says yes immediately. She never liked Cassie’s girlfriend. She deserved better, and you should be there for your friends in these kinds of situations.
Ever since she came out, they don’t have any rules except any attempt at dating between the four is forbidden because lesbian ‘somethings’ can be messy Maria tells her, and Cassie nods, almost as if by experience but they never elaborate.
It would’ve been an excellent time if not for Cassie’s ex to be here as well. She expects her to burst into tears. Instead, she whispers to Shauna’s ears.
“Shauna, pretend you find me attractive and hold me close.”
“— Really? Is that your plan?”
“I can’t show that bitch I’m still upset. That’s a victory for her. Come with me.” She grabs her hand and leads her to the dance floor “Do me this favor, Shauna.”
It’s a little awkward, but whatever. They are friends, even if they hadn’t talked about that as much as they should, but they’ve danced together before, so it is not difficult to put her hands on Cassie’s hips, letting the other hold her close as they dance and jumping at the same time when the music changes to electronica. They are talking about nothing special – she’s a little high, so when she complains about what happened with Taissa and Jackie, her friend calls her whiny and she laughs at that surprisingly. Then they talk about this fling Shauna had in the summer she grew bored of. Nothing special, but it reacts to her ex immediately, who leaves for the restroom when it happens. Cassie laughs — the smell of her spearmint gum coming from her lips, red lipstick adorning her mouth.
“Thanks for that.” She tells her “She never liked you, when I asked her why, she never had a reason.”
“Big deal.” She answers, still holding her close for some reason “She’s a bitch, I never liked her.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…” it takes Shauna a moment before she can answer “I mean, you always acted…different with her, like trying to impress her. Sometimes it looked like you didn’t wanna do certain things but didn’t wanna look lame in front of her.”
“Well, that is partially true. A little late to say that, though.”
“You probably wouldn’t have listened.”
“Fair enough. Though it doesn’t matter, I got cheated on.” A bitter laugh escapes her lips, and her voice breaks at some point “So it all amounted to nothing, to a guy, to add insult to injury.”
“As someone who cheated…” is not the greatest way to start a conversation, but it’s too late. Cassie already knows about that whole debacle “I can tell you that it’s not your fault, if something doesn’t work out, then it’s better to end it. You should be…you should be with someone who values you as you are. I’m sure that person is out there.”
“…That's very sweet to say.” Cassie tells her “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“I can give good advice, me following it it’s an entirely different manner.” And then Shauna wonders if it’s the correct thing to say, but says it anyway “…I could’ve grown to like you.”
Cassie looks surprised, her mouth makes an o in surprise. Then she shoots in a teasing tone “Oh wow, first you make up with me pretending I’m your crush, and now you are rejecting me again in the middle of the song?”
“Rejection is a harsh word.” Shauna tells her, rolling her eyes “It’s not even that, because I think I would’ve grown to like you…in the way you…like?”
“Yeah, like.”
“Like me, or well…I could’ve tried, but…you deserve better than me.” She tells her, four years behind friends. They need to talk this out now that Shauna has her stuff more or less figured out “You deserve better than being a rebound.”
As cliche as it sounds, it’s not Cassie, it’s Shauna.
She is very grateful to have met her, and the other girls. Even if she f*cked up several times through their friendship (especially with Cassie). She would be lucky to date her, especially now that she’s slightly less f*cked up, but leading her up, especially after seeing her cry over her ex. It’s something that Shauna would never forgive herself for.
No more f*cking up friendships, it hurts more than any breakout she’s ever had.
“I appreciate the honesty.” Cassie tells her with a nod, no longer dancing, but their hands intertwined together “It’s a shame because I believe you’re really interesting…one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. But you don’t owe me anything just because I like you, feelings don’t work like that. I hope things work out with your friend.”
“I don’t think they will, I f*cked up with her beyond any repair.” She smiles sadly.
“How long have you known each other again?”
“Since we were five years old.”
She had Jackie before she even had a brother — and that in itself is crazy, even if she found out about her little brother months after.
“Well, Shauna. I don’t know her but…as long as you both are alive, there is always a chance to reconnect, if you both want to.” She smiles at Shauna “But you know…you’ll always have us, even if she tells you to f*ck off.”
“Thank you, Cassie.”
The other girl kisses her on the cheek.
“Wanna get some drinks?”
“Bet.”
It’s fall of 2001 and she’s moved to Rhode Island for the time being with Gabriela. She thinks their New York native friends are happy about it because there are enough people in New York. Besides, Gabriela says plenty of sh*t is filmed in Rhode Island, even though she can’t get a job at anything that’s not a waitress job.
Shauna gets a job as a Teaching Assistant, and while it isn’t much what she earns. It’s what her professor trusts her with that makes it a good experience, and she’s brainstorming her first long novel as she reviews sh*tty student essays. Her mom calls her start of September, and she says she’s coming to visit — which makes her happy, but it’s weird mom is coming to Rhode Island. 3 hours of travel by train and all, but she isn’t complaining and neither does Gabi because she loves her mom and her brother (because she didn’t live with him). They bother making the apartment look respectable and not a “two 21-year-olds live here” type of place.
Then, on September 11th, Gabriela woke her up almost screaming.
“What happened!?”
“The news, Shauna! The Twin Towers!”
Shauna feels her stomach drop.
It is a mess, you can’t contact anybody. Gabi and her are glued to the phones trying and trying to make sure Cassie and Maria are okay. Suddenly, Shauna felt stupid, because she had missed a call from them a week ago but they’d been busy so she forgot to answer it because they could always answer later and it’s always later with her and her friends isn’t it? Talk to you later, I will apologize later except the worst may have happened and Shauna wants to cry over the possibility that there will never be a later ever again.
Fortunately, they are okay — just very scared, but unharmed. Not everyone has that privilege. It takes an entire day for Shauna to finally be able to contact her house. She had meant to go to New York this week, but it got changed because of mom’s trip to Rhode Island, but she managed to reach Tai before this call so she could tell her mom that she was alright.
“ Shauna !” Her brother says “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m alright. I didn’t go to New York that week as I had planned.” She tells him, and perhaps it’s a moment of sincerity “Love you, man, I’m…I’m thankful you’re my brother.”
“I love you too, Shauna.” He tells her, and then he adds “Mom’s like crazy right now.”
“— did something happen? I know our cousin lives there.”
“No, he’s fine.” He sounds…concerned?
“Then tell me, Zeke! It’s a f*cking tragedy! No time to act funny!”
“Jackie is in New York!” He tells her “And mom cannot reach her because the phones aren’t working!”
— What?
“…She lives in California, why would she be in New York?”
“Some football sh*t, mom said. We were going to go see her after the game.” There is silence through both of them — Shauna cannot even bother to feel betrayed that this information was hidden from her. Jackie’s problem has always been with Shauna, not with her mom or with her brother. Being mad about it would be stupid “Wait a minute — okay, mom is talking to her.”
“…Tell mom I will call her later.” Shauna tells him “But that I’m safe here in Providence.”
She contacts Taissa immediately.
“Yeah, I already spoke with her. Nat and Van were worried sick. But she’s good, she’s at the hotel with her teammates. I could…I could pass a message if you want.”
Shauna thinks she might be an idiot.
She almost died in a plane crash — no, she didn’t die because Jackie saved her life. Jackie who almost died of hypothermia, because of her pride and because Shauna is an asshole that is just as prideful. There were many opportunities for Shauna to reach out and talk things out, perhaps not straight after the rescue. Opportunities either shut down or ruined through mutual spite.
Five years of separation, and she always assumed Jackie would be the one bridging the gap — because she was the one who left first, who abandoned Shauna. Except that is stupid. That’s always been stupid.
As long as you’re both alive, there’s always a chance to reconnect.
“Give me her number, I want…I want to check on her.”
Several hours trying — both relieved and upset to not being able to reach her. She is safe at her hotel. Taissa wouldn’t lie about that. Yet — what if she is scared? This is a f*cking scary situation, how is she feeling right now? Maybe she’s faking being brave to not worry others but deep inside, when death is so close to you after five years of being safe. It must be terrifying.
Finally, the call connects.
First ring.
Answer. Do not answer
Second ring.
What is Shauna going to say?
Third ring.
Why would she answer a number she doesn’t have? What if she thinks it’s a spam? Though Jackie most likely knows that Shauna lives in Rhode Island, maybe she doesn’t wanna answer…
“ Hello?”
The voice freezes her, she would know that voice everywhere. It’s slightly deeper than the last time they spoke over the phone — Shauna assumes it because of the smoking, but it’s Jackie’s voice. She never said hello whenever Shauna called, because they didn’t need to. Every conversation was a continuation of whatever they spoke last time. If Jackie hung up first, she would be the one to call. If Shauna hung up first, she’d be the one to call her and talk about something silly and stupid but that was a big deal at the time.
“…Hi, Jackie.”
Shauna thinks she heard a gasp.
It’s the stupidest two words she could’ve uttered. Hi, Jackie like this wasn’t a f*cking national tragedy, how can she write stories that according to others are complex and heartbreaking but can never say the right thing when Jackie is involved. Why couldn’t she say hello? Jackie? It’s Shauna or even a f*cking how are you?
“Shauna. Hi.” Her name sounds as familiar in Jackie’s mouth as always “It’s been…a while.”
It has. Five years, five and a half since her fight. She didn’t realize until her sophom*ore year of college that she took the last book Jackie gifted to her to her dorm. She never read it.
“Yeah I…I didn’t know you were in New York, I found out because my mom and Tai were freaking out and…and…” and I was worried she wants to say, would Jackie believe her? “I tried to call, but the phone system is…um, bad. Are you injured or…?”
“No. No. I’m fine.” Jackie reassures her, like when they were in freshman year and she played with a leg in pain for 20 minutes “I’m at the hotel with some classmates, we’ll go back to LA soon because, you know. Unexpected interruptions. Not that our game is more important than a National Tragedy, don’t get me wrong —“
“No. No. No. It’s fine. I get it…I get what you mean.”
Shauna wondered what she was thinking — they lived on different sides of the country now, did she think Jackie would magically drop again in front of her in a coffee shop and they’d talk as if nothing had happened? Now all she got was an awkward conversation, awkward silence that she wouldn’t be surprised or blame her if she just hung up.
“Shauna, I…thank you for calling. It means more than you’ll imagine and I…” Another silence from Jackie. Shauna is already tearing up “And I miss you.”
I miss you .
She feels her hands shaking with emotion, she can barely hold the phone — five years of buried grief threatening to unravel due to those three words.
Shauna had never imagined that Jackie might have missed her. It was impossible in her mind. There was no way that she had been thinking of Shauna as much as Shauna had been thinking of her. She was angry that Jackie chose to make peace with Tai over her, but deep in her stomach she knew that Shauna didn’t deserve to be thought of. She didn’t deserve to be forgiven.
Except that was just her being cowardly — she knew that in her heart, she could’ve called at any time. Sure, she could have been cussed off or made things worse. Or maybe things would’ve been better. She doesn’t know, because it took 5 years and a national tragedy for her to call.
And yet…and yet…
And yet Jackie misses her. Present tense.
“Jackie, I’m sorry!” She tells her, her voice breaks mid-Jackie’s name, tears dropping in her room. She locks it so no one can come in, sorry Gabi “I-I miss you too! I’m so sorry! I can’t even say that I was an asshole because I still am, and you don’t have to forgive me. S-sorry is e-enough But it’s important that…” it’s important to know that you’re my muse, I hope one day you know this, and that one day I’m as important to you “It’s important that you know that I…that I care.”
“…I...” Jackie is without words. Shauna can sense her trying to hide her sobs over the phone and failing. Her tone betrays her feelings “Shauna…I…don’t know if it’s okay. I don’t…know if it will be o-okay between us ever again. B-but I…I care too.”
She doesn’t say anything else, her sobs cover anything she tries to say. The only thing that Shauna can understand is her name. Shauna wants to go wherever the f*ck she’s staying and hug her. To apologize again and again. That she’s a slightly better person than before and that nothing will come within them if Jackie wants it to be that way. She hopes she is happy with Van and Natalie and her possible boyfriend and her new stupid football team. If she is happy, then Shauna is fine with her happiness even if she’s not part of it,
But she can’t say any of that before she’s crying over the phone too.
It’s November of 2001, and Shauna finally has time to call.
“Hello?”
“Hi. It’s Shauna. Happy birthday, Jackie.”
Their relationship isn’t as much a rebuild as it is a ceasefire.
They began talking and texting sporadically since Shauna asked Jackie to please text her when she landed back in California and she finally could breathe 5 hours after she read the words @ LAX =) . They don’t talk as much as they used to, but after five years of not wishing her a happy birthday, it’s the minimum she can do.
“Thank you, Shauna.”
“Any special plans?”
“Not today, I am just on my break, but maybe I’ll go out this weekend.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have fun.” If she doesn’t ask now, she never will “Um, you got any plans for the holidays?”
“Not really.”
“Because um — you see, we saw that your parents put your stuff out.”
“Oh.” Jackie sounds unsurprised, almost pretending disinterested, and while is it true they go in circles before asking something about the other’s life. Shauna can sense that something stung. She still hasn’t asked what happened “Well, I figure I don’t need most of those.”
“So we uh, rescued it. Most of it is in my room in New Jersey now.”
“Oh! I’m sorry Shauna, I’m probably filling your room with my stuff.”
“No, no. I don’t mind, but you know…maybe you need some of those? So I was wondering if you would…come to New Jersey, after your classes. To pick it up, I mean.”
She’s been playing with it on her head for months.
While their relationship is very courteous, Shauna doesn’t know where they stand yet. It’s something too complex to talk through the phone and text messages. She needs to know if there is a chance to rebuild it or if it’s not worth it if they are better as strangers who know everything about each other.
“I don’t have events at the start of the week at the hotel I think…I’m a little busy with work and finals and the — yeah, but maybe I can save money and get some tickets and I also need to book a hotel or…or something. I don’t think I can stay at my old house.”
“A hotel room?” Shauna asks, incredulous “But…”
“Hi, sorry to interrupt you girls.” Mom greets, and before Shauna can ask when the f*ck she started listening, she cuts in “Hi Jackie, you’ve stayed in our home since you were ten, you’re not booking a hotel! Looking forward to seeing you!”
And then she hangs up.
There is a silence between both of them until Jackie starts laughing . It feels like it has been an eternity since the last time she’s heard Jackie laugh near Shauna’s presence , she feels the smile on her face bigger and bigger as she assures her that I was going to say that, you know!
“Well, I cannot turn down both of you…I’ll keep you updated on what I can find.”
She’s staying for the first days of Hanukkah too.
Shauna is certain she did it on purpose, she kept track of her holidays better than she did.
It’s winter of 2001, and people in this house cannot be in time to save their lives.
Yes, she is aware they are early technically, Jackie has barely started to board the airplane, but it’s better to wait there than here and they need to go to Newark and yet her brother is laying in bed playing with his GameBoy while Shauna is antsy as hell. Not just because Jackie is on a plane alone and you could hear her panic before boarding (you could) but also because the time feels slow and fast at the same time.
“Shauna! Go get a jacket for Jackie, knowing her, probably forgot to pack one, and it’s cold!”
Cold.
Jackie is cold Jackie is freezing Jackie is going to die of hypothermia and it is Shauna’s fault. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. What a useless word and it is even more useless when your guilt stops you from holding her hand when she needs to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jackie. Meaningless word but it will take me five years to say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
She receives three different texts from her friends (she didn’t tell them, she told Gabi who spread it, the loudmouth) wishing her good luck. Taissa told her to just be honest, and Jackie would open up in time. She also told her to not expect the same person she used to know like she wasn’t nervous enough.
She grabs an old hoodie of hers, just in case.
“What if there is traffic !?” Shauna exclaims, her brother playing his stupid games on the console “It’s better we wait there than here.”
“Why in such a hurry to stay at an airport eating expensive food?” Zeke asks her, puzzled “She can’t see you from the sky.”
“You aren’t even ready , are you going to meet her like that?”
“…It’s not Britney Spears, Shauna.” He tells her, he’s wearing a Batman shirt, brown shorts, and sandals with socks and long hair. Winter break makes her brother almost unacceptable. She needs to get him a girl. “It’s just Jackie?”
”Jackie, who is making an effort to be here.” Shauna insists, frustrated at her brother’s indifference “I don’t care that you didn’t like her…”
Her brother looks at her perplexed “Of course I like Jackie. Jackie is nice, unlike you.”
It takes Mom to cut down the argument and tell Zeke to switch to respectable clothes so he can look like a normal person, and it feels like an eternity when they jump into the car. It feels like she is lonely in her nervousness. She doesn’t know what to expect. She tries not to think about it as they grab the highway to Newark, there is almost no traffic if anything the biggest problem will be finding parking.
“I’m glad she’s coming.” Her mom says, eagerly “And I’m glad you’ve made up.”
Made up .
Yeah right, circling around conversations as if figuring out what was the right thing to say was making up. Shauna knew this would happen. It doesn’t make it any better, though. It feels weird, this sudden distance as if they would hurt each other if they had a heart-to-heart.
It’s understandable, but it doesn’t make anything better.
“I never said anything, because I didn’t want you kids to worry.” Mom continues, switching lanes “But I was so worried when she left, she was in such a vulnerable state emotionally…she always sounded surprised at first, when I called her. She never complained about anything, but her voice would break at times.” Her mom has a pensive tone. “I was so scared that someone would take advantage of her, that they would trick her and no one would protect her…I couldn’t abandon her, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I did.”
“Yeah.” It’s all she can say, she feels like crying.
“I’m glad she found people that care for her over there, and that she feels comfortable enough to confide in me whenever something happens to her.” Her mom finishes with a smile “I can tell she’s grown for the best, like you have, Shauna. Even my son has grown.”
“…that’s debatable.” And she glares at her brother, who is focusing on his GameBoy “Don’t dare leave your lips that I’m into girls.”
“That’s none of my business.” Her brother answers, hitting the A button as if catching a legendary Pokemon was more interesting than Shauna “She might like girls too.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jackie is straight.”
She doesn’t think that Jackie will mind that Shauna is bi, but they have many things to talk about before sexuality even comes to mind, and she’d rather skip any well-meaning but stupid comments that always come from straight people. Her circle of being gay made her almost forget.
“Regardless.” Her mom changes the topic, finally finding a parking spot “I’m glad you told her to come, Shauna. She wouldn’t have come if you hadn’t!”
The last time she was at EWR, she had been 17 years old with a Brown scholarship and going to nationals with her best friend and the others. She didn’t even like football that much, but it wasn’t that terrible to hear Jackie talk about it, even if sometimes Shauna got lost in her ramblings. It made her happy, and Shauna liked it when Jackie was happy, like genuinely happy, it took a destroyed friendship to realize how much she missed it and how she was responsible for it.
Even though Shauna knew that by every logical argument, she should have been the one to call because she was the one that f*cked up. Her arguments with her friends made her realize she was more prideful than she thought she could be, and that almost cost Jackie her life. This is horrible to think, but would she have reached out if she knew Jackie hadn’t been in New York? She doesn’t know. She would’ve reached out, eventually. But maybe it would’ve been too late.
She’s 22 now, graduated with the highest honors, and she has a bright future ahead of her. She’s got friends who have her back despite how much she fights with them and a life that belongs to her only. She doesn’t want to be scared of Jackie’s rejection or to be used as an accessory. But she…
But she still wants to see her. She’s always wanted her to see her.
She’s been staring at the plane from LAX that says on route for what feels like forever. She cannot eat overpriced food because she will throw it out. Jackie is in the air. Jackie falling. Jackie falling because she came to see Shauna instead of being safe on the ground. Jackie rescues Shauna from the fire, her anger at herself pouring against her. Her best friend’s big eyes as she whispered I was trying to save you .
She doesn’t even know what to expect but she is the first one to notice when it goes from on route to arriving and her feet move by themselves. She hears her mother and her brother calling for her, but they sound distant. Someone tells her she doesn’t run in the airport and she tells them to f*ck off. She looks, looks, and looks, but she cannot see her. She sees people staring at her in wonder and annoyance at why she standing in the middle yet refuses to move. This was the right time, Jackie would’ve told her if there were any delays. Or maybe she forgot to tell Shauna. Or maybe she didn’t tell her on purpose. f*ck. She texts her an ‘I’m here :)’ no rush. A smiley face to hide her nervousness.
f*ck, f*ck — where is she? And it is hard to see anyone when there are people like that girl who was standing in the middle of…
Oh .
Is that…?
No way.
Shauna feels her heart skip a beat. Oh my God.
She has black hair now — short, around the shoulders, mostly straight but wavy around the ends. Her lips carry its natural pink, a piercing that wasn’t there before now adorns her lower lip. It looks almost like a lunar.
It’s not the only piercing she has — she has plenty, she tucks her hair behind her ear, and most of it has been pierced as well. She’s not wearing makeup — but she doesn’t need it, she’s always been pretty and is wearing a Brazil football shirt with black leggings and white sneakers. The shirt fits her a little large, but just a little.
Her skin used to be super white when they returned, a result of barely leaving her house. These days, her skin is slightly stan — not one of those artificial tans you see in college girls, but tanning from the sun. Probably a side effect of always playing football. Her eyes twinkled with amusem*nt — but not the cruel kind, but the kind that she’d share with Shauna whenever someone did something embarrassing. Is it then when Shauna realizes that her mouth is open, and upon realizing it, closes it immediately?
She is…
She’s the prettiest girl Shauna has ever seen, she’s even prettier than before.
“…Jackie?”
Jackie’s lips turn into a small smile, almost as a nostalgic one. She hasn’t said anything yet. They stand in front of each other. Almost if both are afraid of taking the first step. She takes a half step forward, and then it freezes. Shauna nods as if giving permission. They stand in front of each other, and Shauna is trying not to look at the piercing on her lip. She looks beautiful and she hopes the blush on her cheeks isn’t apparent, because what she really is thinking is that she’s even hotter than before and she needs her to say something or else —
Jackie pulls her into a hug.
It’s one of those strong hugs, the type you cannot let go of. It’s like that time at kindergarten when she couldn’t go for two days because she was sick and Jackie ran to hug her because she didn’t see her for two days and was very worried. It’s like that time in second grade when Shauna finally told Jackie that her dad wasn’t the CEO of Hello Kitty and that’s why he wasn’t at his home, but that they were divorced and he was leaving for another city and Jackie hugged very tight. It’s that Christmas night that ended with a middle schooler Jackie begging her with sobs to ask Shauna to tell her mom to come pick her up because hers humiliated her in front of family again and Shauna didn’t let go of her until they were both at her home and fell asleep together. Those kinds of hugs.
I’ve missed you as much as you’ve missed me type of hug.
Shauna doesn’t know how long they stand like that, she just buries her face on Jackie’s shoulder. The perfume is the same as she used to wear before. She knows she is crying, even if it’s silently, and Jackie has noticed it because she begins caressing Shauna’s hair as a sign of comfort. They are so close to each other that she can hear Jackie’s sniffles, and that makes her feel a little better.
Eventually, they’ll have to let go, and Shauna dreads the moment when it happens. Just five more minutes for an eternity. She takes a look at Jackie again, her eyes a little red for the crying. Her red luggage was next to her.
“Hi.” She finally says a simple word that means a lot.
“…Hi.” Shauna echoes “How was…the flight?”
“Horrible.” Jackie admits, her tone lighthearted despite everything “But I pulled through without throwing up. You look…good, very um…pretty. Not that you weren’t pretty before, of course, you were. Are. Present tense.”
“Oh yeah…yeah, I get it. Thank you.”
“I like your jacket.”
“Thank you, you look very…comfy.”
“Comfortable is good.” Jackie admits “Though it took me five minutes to be here to realize it’s probably freezing and I didn’t pack for it.”
“You can…I got this for you.” She tells her, clumsily. Thank God mom thought about this “So you wouldn’t get cold.”
She expects a snide remark that never comes. Something across the lines of a little too late for that, huh? Instead, Jackie thanks her as she puts the jacket on. Much better Shauna can’t help but think, yet she thinks it might not be enough, that maybe she should’ve gotten another sweater on top of it.
“I got…some souvenirs, for the fridge.” Jackie tells her “We should um…go see your mom.”
“Yeah, I agree.”
Shauna doesn’t know if it’s a reflex, but she reaches for the luggage. Perhaps because it is common courtesy. Perhaps it’s because it’s something she would’ve done before. Jackie has made a long trip to see her, and Shauna can do that for her without a problem. She has never minded doing nice things for Jackie, she just minded that it was never thanked or appreciated.
What happens next is not rude, nor unkind. She doesn’t slap her hand away or tell her anything particularly mean. Shauna wishes it was because then she would’ve known to react. Instead, Jackie grabs her luggage before Shauna can reach for it — her hand in mid-air as Jackie draws it closer to herself silently. Almost as if self self-defense. A wall, even.
Jackie’s words aren’t mean, but Shauna wishes they were.
“No worries, I can carry it myself.”
